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What if's ? and The if only's......











good evening friends :-) there was a time in the not to long ago where i lived in the what if's and the if only's. i remember those days all too well. i was living in the problem, bottle in hand constantly thinking thoughts like, if only my wife knew how i was feeling... if only my boss did things this way... what if i would have stayed in Arizona... what if i didn't get arrested... and the list goes on and on. the only action i ever took was to seek out the next drunk/high. the disease of perception i face everyday had me seeing things through drunken eye glasses, and a drugged out mind. the process has really been an amazing one. it too started out with the what if's and if only's. but they were different. followed by different actions. "what if" i put down this bottle? i wonder how my life will change? so i white knuckled it, and gave it a try. unfortunately that wasn't enough. things changed, but not how i thought. but through the grace of my hp, i trudged on. as more and more pain entered my life, i began to think, i put down the booze, what if i stopped using drugs? maybe i would be in a better spot? and so i did. now if only i could give this thing my best, prove that it won't work for me, i can resume my addicted life style knowing that i gave it my all, it didn't work, and I'll do what i do till i die. except that didn't happen. i came to realize that i was trudging through major life changing events, and not picking up. in fact, i was taking different actions to find the solutions to these problems, and they were working! for me no less! my thinking began to change. followed by my behaviors. then i found myself living in the solutions instead of the problems. i simply applied the same actions i put into my addiction, into my recovery. in addiction i went to the bars sick. i stayed out late waiting and/or finding the drug man. i stole. i neglected friends and family. i went to any lengths to get fucked up. i lived a life based on self, and always had a hole in me that i tried to fill with what ever i could find that gave me the out of matt experience... until that day i became willing to try something different. so today i go to any lengths to stay sober, i go to meetings even if I'm sick our just don't want to. i go out on 12 step calls in the middle of the night if necessary. i work hard and honest for a days pay. i call friends and family just to let them know i'm thinking about them and want to say hi. i do things just to be helpful, not because i get something out of it, and so on. addiction/recovery BOTH require hard work. the difference is that one destroys you, all those around you, and robs you of a chance at a good life. the other gives you a life. one with meaning, helps those around you, gives you piece of mind, some Serenity and sanity, and if your lucky a shoot at the life you almost missed out on because we suffer from broken thinkers, self delusions and perception problems. you just got to work for it, either one. that choice is yours. so my friends......WHAT IF.....? happy Wednesday folks ;-) -I'm out.

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